happy mother’s day. I think.

It’s Mother’s Day 2019 and I’m feeling conflicted, as I always do on Mother’s Day. My mom died in 1995, when I was 18. Every year on Mother’s Day since then, until my children were born, I was an emotional mess. I would become very sad before Mother’s Day and spend most of the day feeling pretty sorry for myself. After our first daughter was born in 2011, celebrating Mother’s Day brought me joy for the first time in my adult life.

Not being able to celebrate Mother’s Day with my mom has always been bittersweet. My mom was a bit of an enigma to me, larger than life in many ways. But as I got into my 40s, I have started to realize some really painful truths about her as a flawed and fallible person. Seeing your parent, even posthumously, as someone who was kind of a mess, is really difficult. And it makes it harder to not be able to talk to them about it or tell them how you feel. Herein lies the rub folks. So when you’re out celebrating Mother’s Day, remember that for some of us, it’s a bit of a messy day. xo Janet

Published by Janet Gwilliam-Wright

Feminist and queer. Professional teller of truths. Slayer of personal demons.

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