Hey there. I’ve been so happy this past week writing this blog, what an outlet! It’s brought me a lot of connection to people I really care about and admire. It brought me a big hug in real life yesterday at work and that was the best! I’m loving this platform for sharing my stories with you and I’m so grateful that you’re all reading it and hopefully you’re enjoying reading it as much as I’m enjoying writing it.
Having said that, I have a huge vulnerability hangover this morning, especially from yesterday’s post. That’s the most honest I’ve ever been about my mental health challenges and it is scary. I’m scared people will judge me or think less of me. I feel like my honesty is going to lead some people to put brackets around who I am or what I can do. I guess I’ll just deal with that if it happens.
The truth is, if you’d asked me a year ago if I’d be writing such an honest blog I would have said sure and then promptly done nothing about it. I just wasn’t ready to be here. But I am now. I feel unrestricted in being this honest for the first time in my entire life. I’ve been hiding and lying about my parents and all the problems my family had for as long as I can remember. That’s what shame does to a kid, it locks them in a tower of dishonesty and fear they didn’t create. But I don’t feel ashamed anymore, because I know that what happened to me as a kid and young adult wasn’t my fault. Growing up with really dysfunctional parents is hard in lots of ways but when everyone on the outside thinks your family is amazing, that can really do a number on a person. Especially a person like me who has always been the one in my family calling everyone else on their bullshit. Even as a little kid I was that person. It makes for funny anecdotes (will tell you the NYE story from when I was 6 years old some other time), but it made me very unpopular with my parents who really resented their daughter telling them that their drinking was screwing up her life. Even then I knew. No idea how, I just knew that their behaviour was wrong. As the years went on it became harder and harder to fight the really negative effects this had on my mental and physical well-being.
So there it is, I’m a little hungover from all the sharing. But it feels good nonetheless. I’m going to blog Monday to Friday and take break on the weekends. If there’s something you’d like to know or would like me to write about, let me know! Comment below or send me a message. xo Janet